Lucidity

So begins the week of recovery. My right leg is definitely banged up from the fight, and my foot is swollen. I don’t think it’s broken but I guess it could be potentially cracked. Hopefully it’s just bruised, in which case I can just train around it. I had my second appointment with my therapist this morning, and it’s going pretty well. I’m much more open and honest that I have been in the past, but it is still very difficult for me. Because of a new friend of mine I am getting more and more comfortable talking about my emotions, but it will be a long process. His capacity to emote is vastly greater than my own, and I struggle with my defense structures to match his openness. This process, though challenging sometimes, is teaching me so much…not only about myself but about the people I interact with. Perhaps most importantly it’s helping me to recognize my own shortcomings in a healthier way, and in so doing it is allowing me to understand the other people in my life as human beings, just like me. It sounds pretty obvious when I put it into writing, but our minds are not always governed by logic and reason. So much of my thinking, as much as I want to imagine that it is grounded in empiricism, is merely mythology and superstition. This is not always a bad thing, for even the most intelligent people are prone describing phenomena they do not understand in mythological terms, but it becomes destructive in my mind when I start using mythology as a scapegoat. And recognizing this tendency in myself is only the first challenge; the real battle is rewriting these patterns in a way that is not destructive to myself or the people in my life. Interpersonal relationships define our existence. For too long I have tried to pretend that I’m some sort of island, removed and independent from the other relationships in my life. This sort of pattern is characteristic of all forms of dissociation…for all dissociating means is simply not being present “in the moment”. When I look at my life through this lens I can see dissociative tendencies everywhere, in the most mundane daily tasks and in highly stressful events. Something definitely shifted in my psyche on Saturday; for the first time since I started fighting I was completely lucid in the cage. My mind did not separate the experience, for the first time I OWNED it, all of it. This experience was a breakthrough, but it’s just the beginning. I have so much work to do.

On a related note, my memories are starting to come back. They are coming slowly, but I’m remembering more and more every day.

This is letting go

So it's all over. The emotional firestorm, the rage, the sorrow, the regret and the shame...in that single moment everything came to a head at once. In the lead up to the fight I experienced some of the most intense emotions I have ever felt. I was so afraid that my head was in the wrong place, I was too distracted by my circumstances to focus...I had been having nightmares on a regular basis, I would wake up crying or in a panic; Jealous demons would assault me at random, when I was least expecting it, or I would suddenly feel the sense of loss acutely and it would overwhelm me. The attacks were relentless in that week leading up to the fight, and all day yesterday as I was trying to get into the right frame of mind to do what I had to do. And then suddenly right before the fight a sense of calm washed over me that I have never known. Earlier that day I had made an offering to the river, asking the spirits of the masters to guide me, and it was at that very moment my prayer was answered. Suddenly everything washed away. I was like a man standing on the beach, staring into the ocean as a massive tsunami approached, but instead of running for my life and knowing there was no escape, I stopped took a deep breath and embraced that moment, and let it crash through my soul. And in then in one massive crescendo my soul let go of that weight, for the power of that spiritual tsunami was far greater than my ability to hold on.

And then it was over. I was awake, I didn't black out for the first time! I remember everything, I stayed myself, I stayed in the moment!

I asked the masters to hear me, and my request was heard. The spirit of the thing itself acted through me. The darkness is gone. I left it in the cage that night.

Calm before the storm

There could not possibly be a better time in my life to be fighting that now. So many things have come to a head in my life...this fight will serve as a cleansing by fire. No matter what the outcome of the match, I am victorious already. I will emerge from this trial as a new person, with a new perspective, new goals and ambitions, and the spirit to finally stop resisting these winds of change. The time has come to embrace them and let them carry me wherever fate would have it. I don't need to let go of the beautiful memories because they are painful. I don't need to run away anymore. I'm tired of being jaded, of being numb. Once upon a time my heart was open to the world, and because I got hurt I hid it from sight and encased it in armor. And as the years and decades went by, I misplaced that part of myself and lost my way. But it's still there, buried underneath the sands of time. Shovel in hand, its time to uncover my buried treasure. It's time to become the person I was born to be. I am free.

Tabitha

The memories wash over me, like so many ocean waves. They pulse with feeling and emotion; at night they come alive, like ephemeral phantoms, dancing in my mind.

I remember. I remember the first time I saw her. I remember how the light played on her face. I remember the worn karate gi, the calluses on her hands... I remember the intensity that burned in her eyes, filling her being with a vibrant and earthy energy. And I remember her smile, I remember the tug on my heart...I didn't want to leave. I wanted that moment to last forever.

I remember that day, how nervous I was walking through the park...the rush of sensation when I spotted her approaching me. I remember her touch, the sound of laughter in the air. It was June. We made love that night for the first time, under the stars. The smell of champa filled the air. I would have given anything to suspend time; I remember watching her walk away.

I remember the storm...I can hear the music in the background, I can see her in the candlelight. I remember the poems, inscribed on the back of leaves. It was autumn.

There are so many memories, some so beautiful they cannot be expressed in words, some so painful that they rend my soul to pieces...

I remember the ginkgo tree. Last night I picked a few of the leaves and let them fall into th e river. I watched them swirl and dance, and one by one, disappear.