Here and now

I spent most of the day yesterday wandering by myself through Castlewood, stopping to read and swim in the river, or just to reflect. Distractions come and go, but my mind is not attaching to them anymore...its not fighting them. They just are, and then they pass...and my mind is still in the moment. That is my goal this week, to keep myself in the moment as much as possible. In the moment there is nothing left to do, nothing left to pursue. When I am assaulted by sadness or anger, I am trying not to resist it now. The spirit of the thing, whether it is negative positive or indifferent, simply wants to be heard. When I let them pass the discord that their presence causes is only temporary, and my spirit remains unmoved. If I fight then that conflict, that turbulence spreads through my mind and body like a cancer and the reverberations shake my foundation. My mind will remain clear for the fight if I can just keep myself firmly grounded in the single purpose of the present moment. When the moment and I merge, the thoughts of victory and defeat vanish...and the spirit of the thing itself is revealed.

When Samsara stops...

Six more days…

I completed the intense phase of my training yesterday. The remainder of my time before the fight will be primarily focused on restoring my body and trying to reach a state of mental and spiritual clarity and focus. Now I must bring my full presence of mind into the moment, until I am surrounded and enveloped by the present, until the moment and my consciousness merge into one. No beginning, no end. The chaos consuming my mind of late cannot be destroyed or wished away. I cannot project my struggle onto the shoulders of others. I cannot run from the darkness anymore. It can only be understood…I am at a point in my life where I must make a choice. Lack of self-knowledge has invited this chaos into my life, has brought me to the threshold of life and death, has left me broken and bewildered…There is no one to blame but myself, and it is myself that I must confront if these cycles are to come to an end.

What has happened of late is my karma, and all of the pain, agony, anger, and sorrow must each be felt in turn, completely, so that closure can be achieved. I embraced a dark path thinking I could serve as a lantern, but the truth is that I was desperate, for my own darkness (that I had been running from for my entire life) cast a shadow in my mind and weighed heavily upon my spirit…and it colored everything I did, until it eventually consumed me. I took a man’s wife before they had brought their relationship to a conclusion, and now the same fate has befallen me. I was young and selfish, and I because of my recklessness I caused great suffering. My actions not only hurt this man, but also hurt the very person that I thought in my ignorance I was trying to “save”. No amount of intellectual tricks or justifications could change the reality of my actions, and because our relationship started on such an unstable foundation, the way it unfolded should have been predictable. We loved one another, as much as we were capable of doing so, but without self-knowledge the intensity of our feelings would never be enough to make things okay. We could only deteriorate once the euphoria started to fade, for a house build without a foundation cannot stand for long. We projected our demons onto one another, until the chaotic maelstrom that resulted nearly consumed us. The pain and suffering that I cause during this period of my life is difficult for me to comprehend. I cannot hope to atone for my wrongs, but the longing to do so, and the sorrow, resonates from the core of my being. Karma is unforgiving.

Now I am at a crossroads. I have contemplated taking my own life, in shame, but if I were to take this action all I would do is further the cycle, and my death would not dispel my demons. They would live on, moving to infect the lives of others, and the cycle would continue. The only way I can hope to atone for my mistakes is by ending this cycle of suffering. I cannot do this without self-knowledge. I cannot do this if I run, if I project, or if I look for another person to “save”. I will atone for my mistakes by becoming the man that I should have been, the man that I was meant to be. This I must do on my own. I know if I try to connect with another woman I cannot trust myself not to perpetuate the cycle again. I am the one who must be saved.

I am taking this vow of chastity, for a minimum of one year and continuing as long as I need it to. If ever I choose to embrace the affections of a woman again, it will be as a whole man, one who has self-respect and self-knowledge. This cycle stops now.

Damaged goods...

People say that time heals all wounds. This statement is might be true up to a certain degree of injury, but once that threshold is breached time doesn't heal shit. The passage of time finds one still alive perhaps, and living in a culture that is completely paralyzed in a state of primordial horror at the thought of one's own mortality, this is always viewed as a good thing. People in this culture take everything for granted, as if they have all the time in the world. Unconsciously we all know that we are living only on borrowed time, and it could all come to an end without any warning. No, the passage of time finds one covered in horrible scars, missing limbs and losing the functionality of once healthy members. The passage of time leaves one alone and forgotten, discarded once those profiting from your enslavement realize they've tapped out their investment's potential. The passage of time leaves one bitter and resentful, or simply insane.

People fear what they do not understand. People fear even more what they do understand but fight tooth and nail to pretend that they don't. People say that they serve lofty ideals, things like love and commitment and virtue, honestly and courage and loyalty...and it's all bullshit.

Scars of time...

“There is some comfort in the emptiness of the sea. No past. No future.”

My mind is in chaos. Everything is so distorted. I’m supposed to be focusing on the fight…

I thought I was doing okay, but my mental state fell apart again when I showed up for jiu-jitsu yesterday. I was waiting in the parking lot for someone to show up and open the gym, and I was beginning to think that no one was coming. My wife's car eventually pulled up however, and she was with one of the instructors from the gym. Instantly jealous rage shot through my veins, my entire fragile facade exploded into fragments and any semblance of rationality evaporated. Suddenly I became vividly aware of every smell, the thundering of my heart in my ears sounded like the roar of the ocean, liquid hot fury made my skin feel flushed and feverish. My vision began to narrow and I was plunged into a desperate battle for control of my emotions...the searing pain seemed like it was coming from every angle, threatening to consume me.

After class I was plunged into a dark spiral, down and down into a psychosomatic hell I descended...the minutes of the day became hours of torment. I was no longer myself; powerful primal emotions destroyed my composure and my humanity. It was only after some time that the anger receded that the sense of loss threatened to overwhelm me...alone at night staring at the ceiling, it was more than I could stand. Dark dreams tortured me when my waking mind wouldn't fight any longer.

I don't know how to let go. I've never been able to...I just want desperately to hold onto the moments. I just know that they will start to fade, I can never live them again.

...I was walking down the beach. It was beautiful and the sun was beginning to set in the west. She was laughing and running through the foaming surf, but as I began to run after her, I collided with a transparent glass wall. Pain shot through my head, and in a panic I began pounding on the glass and trying to get her attention. I was crying and trying desperately to get around the invisible wall. She was still running through the surf, the waves were crashing at her feet as the sun dropped over the horizon. Smaller and smaller her form became, until she finally merged with the fiery orb, rapidly fading, and then she was gone...