Scars of time...

“There is some comfort in the emptiness of the sea. No past. No future.”

My mind is in chaos. Everything is so distorted. I’m supposed to be focusing on the fight…

I thought I was doing okay, but my mental state fell apart again when I showed up for jiu-jitsu yesterday. I was waiting in the parking lot for someone to show up and open the gym, and I was beginning to think that no one was coming. My wife's car eventually pulled up however, and she was with one of the instructors from the gym. Instantly jealous rage shot through my veins, my entire fragile facade exploded into fragments and any semblance of rationality evaporated. Suddenly I became vividly aware of every smell, the thundering of my heart in my ears sounded like the roar of the ocean, liquid hot fury made my skin feel flushed and feverish. My vision began to narrow and I was plunged into a desperate battle for control of my emotions...the searing pain seemed like it was coming from every angle, threatening to consume me.

After class I was plunged into a dark spiral, down and down into a psychosomatic hell I descended...the minutes of the day became hours of torment. I was no longer myself; powerful primal emotions destroyed my composure and my humanity. It was only after some time that the anger receded that the sense of loss threatened to overwhelm me...alone at night staring at the ceiling, it was more than I could stand. Dark dreams tortured me when my waking mind wouldn't fight any longer.

I don't know how to let go. I've never been able to...I just want desperately to hold onto the moments. I just know that they will start to fade, I can never live them again.

...I was walking down the beach. It was beautiful and the sun was beginning to set in the west. She was laughing and running through the foaming surf, but as I began to run after her, I collided with a transparent glass wall. Pain shot through my head, and in a panic I began pounding on the glass and trying to get her attention. I was crying and trying desperately to get around the invisible wall. She was still running through the surf, the waves were crashing at her feet as the sun dropped over the horizon. Smaller and smaller her form became, until she finally merged with the fiery orb, rapidly fading, and then she was gone...