Sunday, July 10, 2011

When Samsara stops...

Six more days…

I completed the intense phase of my training yesterday. The remainder of my time before the fight will be primarily focused on restoring my body and trying to reach a state of mental and spiritual clarity and focus. Now I must bring my full presence of mind into the moment, until I am surrounded and enveloped by the present, until the moment and my consciousness merge into one. No beginning, no end. The chaos consuming my mind of late cannot be destroyed or wished away. I cannot project my struggle onto the shoulders of others. I cannot run from the darkness anymore. It can only be understood…I am at a point in my life where I must make a choice. Lack of self-knowledge has invited this chaos into my life, has brought me to the threshold of life and death, has left me broken and bewildered…There is no one to blame but myself, and it is myself that I must confront if these cycles are to come to an end.

What has happened of late is my karma, and all of the pain, agony, anger, and sorrow must each be felt in turn, completely, so that closure can be achieved. I embraced a dark path thinking I could serve as a lantern, but the truth is that I was desperate, for my own darkness (that I had been running from for my entire life) cast a shadow in my mind and weighed heavily upon my spirit…and it colored everything I did, until it eventually consumed me. I took a man’s wife before they had brought their relationship to a conclusion, and now the same fate has befallen me. I was young and selfish, and I because of my recklessness I caused great suffering. My actions not only hurt this man, but also hurt the very person that I thought in my ignorance I was trying to “save”. No amount of intellectual tricks or justifications could change the reality of my actions, and because our relationship started on such an unstable foundation, the way it unfolded should have been predictable. We loved one another, as much as we were capable of doing so, but without self-knowledge the intensity of our feelings would never be enough to make things okay. We could only deteriorate once the euphoria started to fade, for a house build without a foundation cannot stand for long. We projected our demons onto one another, until the chaotic maelstrom that resulted nearly consumed us. The pain and suffering that I cause during this period of my life is difficult for me to comprehend. I cannot hope to atone for my wrongs, but the longing to do so, and the sorrow, resonates from the core of my being. Karma is unforgiving.

Now I am at a crossroads. I have contemplated taking my own life, in shame, but if I were to take this action all I would do is further the cycle, and my death would not dispel my demons. They would live on, moving to infect the lives of others, and the cycle would continue. The only way I can hope to atone for my mistakes is by ending this cycle of suffering. I cannot do this without self-knowledge. I cannot do this if I run, if I project, or if I look for another person to “save”. I will atone for my mistakes by becoming the man that I should have been, the man that I was meant to be. This I must do on my own. I know if I try to connect with another woman I cannot trust myself not to perpetuate the cycle again. I am the one who must be saved.

I am taking this vow of chastity, for a minimum of one year and continuing as long as I need it to. If ever I choose to embrace the affections of a woman again, it will be as a whole man, one who has self-respect and self-knowledge. This cycle stops now.

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