Sunday, July 17, 2011

This is letting go

So it's all over. The emotional firestorm, the rage, the sorrow, the regret and the that single moment everything came to a head at once. In the lead up to the fight I experienced some of the most intense emotions I have ever felt. I was so afraid that my head was in the wrong place, I was too distracted by my circumstances to focus...I had been having nightmares on a regular basis, I would wake up crying or in a panic; Jealous demons would assault me at random, when I was least expecting it, or I would suddenly feel the sense of loss acutely and it would overwhelm me. The attacks were relentless in that week leading up to the fight, and all day yesterday as I was trying to get into the right frame of mind to do what I had to do. And then suddenly right before the fight a sense of calm washed over me that I have never known. Earlier that day I had made an offering to the river, asking the spirits of the masters to guide me, and it was at that very moment my prayer was answered. Suddenly everything washed away. I was like a man standing on the beach, staring into the ocean as a massive tsunami approached, but instead of running for my life and knowing there was no escape, I stopped took a deep breath and embraced that moment, and let it crash through my soul. And in then in one massive crescendo my soul let go of that weight, for the power of that spiritual tsunami was far greater than my ability to hold on.
And then it was over. I was awake, I didn't black out for the first time! I remember everything, I stayed myself, I stayed in the moment!
I asked the masters to hear me, and my request was heard. The spirit of the thing itself acted through me. The darkness is gone. I left it in the cage that night.

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